Hello ... it's musing time

Well hello -- here I am again! It's been a while. :-} That little spectre in the back of my head that keeps whispering, "You've got nothing interesting to say" has kept my fingers off the keyboard (well, off this little blog-site, anyways - my hands are on the keyboard ALL DAY LONG for work).

I was thinking about that "little spectre" today -- the insecurity which gets in the way and causes me to play small. I read once that we do no service to our fellow man (woman/humankind) when we play small and don't put our grandest self forward. I now believe this is true, though old habits die hard. I used to believe that it was important to tone myself down so I wouldn't make others feel bad, or less, or maybe just incredulous. Or maybe make fun of me. Now isn't that the silliest thing?! Playing small cheats everyone out of the best we have to give. Or maybe not even our best -- maybe it's our semi-best -- but even our semi-best can be worthwhile to someone, right? It's so funny: I read all of your blogs a lot and enjoy every single one of them, though sometimes I get soooo intimidated by the wise essays, the humorous stories, the great pictures, or just the stuff I find fun to read. "I want to write like that!" I think, or "She always makes me laugh and cheers me up!" I smile, or "Look at that cute kid! How'd she get a picture like that?" I ponder. So inevitably what follows, if I'm not careful? OF COURSE! "I can't write/ponder/photoshop/take pictures/ [you fill in the blank] like that. I better not write at all." ACK!!! Yep, THAT is why I am sitting down RIGHT NOW and stopping the nonsense (by writing this entry) instead of going to the Rec Center to exercise (oh okay, I'm still going to the Rec Center ... after).

Well, this is a bit of a confessional. And since it is, I might as well lay it all out there, eh?! We all have character flaws which may be our stumbling blocks, right? Mine is THE WHIP. Or more accurately, THE FLOGGING WHIPS. Hahahahahaha! Several years ago (WOW! I think it's six years ago already!) I went through one of the infamous ... what are they called? ... oh yes, impact seminars. My dear friend, Wendy and I just call it "The Cult." She and I went through it together -- all the way through, all three levels. Talk about living through Hell! (oops, sorry). It was one of the most painfully difficult experiences of my life. It was almost one of the most ... well ... impactful. I guess they named those things correctly, eh? I see lessons and insights from that experience almost daily. BUT! They have a very real emotional danger potential, which is why I would never, never recommend one outright. There's no denying it was the correct thing for me though, especially at that time in my life. "Sigh." I guess they can be a good/bad thing. :-) I'd never send someone I loved into one without a lot of prayer first, though.

Anyways, I digress. One exercise we did worked to assist us in figuring out our greatest (or one of our greatest) negative behaviors. Something that was a real stumbling block (as earlier mentioned). My memory is hazy, but seems like we had to act out that behavior (sort of). It was very revelatory. I nailed mine right on: it was the flogging whips. Have you ever heard of those? There's a particular religious group that uses them extensively (can't remember what group they are ... but I remember one of the dudes played a role in the book, "The Da Vinci Code"). They flog their back with whips that have chips at the end, punishing themselves for imperfections and whatnot. Well that's what I have done all my life: flog myself with unseen emotional whips for my imperfections. Hahaha! It's a wonderful joke-yet-not-a-joke between Wendy and I. You'd catch me playing victim: "Oh I'm so [this that this]" and Wendy will laugh and say, "Whip! Whip! Whip!" And then I will laugh because it's true. I had the whips out again. And then I have the choice to put the little whippers away (or not, which is the playing small part). I'm really grateful for that knowledge gained about myself! I can continue to change. Knowledge IS power, right?

The good thing is, our flaws don't have to define us or hold us back. We can choose to work on overcoming them, right? And THEN -- yeah, I LIKE this part: THEN they become our stepping-stones!!!!!! So I think I'll close this and do another little blog, just because I should. I want to talk ice cream for a minute anyways. :-) :-) :-)