How do I find the right words? So you get many words ...

[this is a picture-less entry ... but I will be adding them later on ...]

Well I haven't written anything for almost a month ... that can be typical for me ... and yep, that's pretty much how I keep my journal too. I'll do great at journal writing for a short span of time and then I just sort of slow the spinning ... slowwwww ... sloooww ... sssssslllloooowww .... sss stop. You know, I'm ashamed to admit it, but that's the way it is with most of the stuff I attempt in my life. I get going with something new and am very enthusiastic for a while and then I just stop. Oh dear ... that looks like a character flaw looming. (!)

I determined not to leave work tonight until I wrote something down. And then I got to reading my friend, Jamie's blog and was having such a good time and laughed so hard over her sons' super hero Sacrament Meeting, I pretty much ran well into the 6:00 hour. I read many of the blogs from the women in my ward and my out-of-ward friends, and I so enjoy them (Dear Debbie--you got me hooked! I now understand ...). It's getting a bit late and I should get home. But ... I won't. I MUST resist the "quit my new hobby [blogging]" urge! (And Hey - I have GOT to ask Jamie if she minds my linking her blog site here. If she says yes then you MUST go in and read her entry for Sunday, October 26th -- it's HILARIOUS and boy are her sons (Jacob & Mason) creative!!)

Actually there's another reason I haven't written yet. I'm very left-brained and have a hard time doing things out of order. There are lots of things I've wanted to write about but my little anal-retentive mind keeps whispering, "Gotta do it in order - can't get out of order - Gotta write about this first." Sheesh. And I've had a hard time figuring out how to write about this, which happens to be the Big Change that happened in my life (and my dear friend, Linda's life) now almost 3 weeks ago. Well ... in keeping with the driving whisper -- here I go:

Three weeks ago, over General Conference weekend, I was released as Enrichment Counselor in our ward. And Linda was released as Education Counselor. Gratefully, I knew a week ahead of time because Donna (bless her!) felt it would be awful for us to just get a call from the Bishop without some warning up front. She wanted it to come from her -- to talk with us about it first so we would understand. I love her for that. I wouldn't have been able to concentrate one bit on that special, fabulous Conference if I'd been blind-sided by the release. As it was, I had barely recovered from the shock and ensuing rush of feelings when Donna called the week before.

It was indeed a shock, because I had resolved the personal issues that plagued me earlier in the year and had re-dedicated myself to helping the sisters, had begun to see a new vision for where we should head, and felt so SO sure that we were supposed to be in there together -- the 3 Musketeers (Donna, Linda and I) -- to the end. Once the shock receded (slightly) a feeling of sadness and a great, great sense of loss set in. I thought about the women of this ward whom I've grown to love deeply, and my friendship with Linda and Donna (and Donna's secretaries: Barbara and Jennifer) and my four wonderful Enrichment Leaders (Alice Ann, Jamie, Jenie and Corinne), the happiness I've had working with them all, and the joy I've felt in all the many things we've done over the years and I just ... sat there and cried (really sobbed for a while, I must admit), for the loss ... for the change. And funny ... along with those feelings came darker thoughts for a while (get thee hence, you little devils!) ... thoughts like: "I failed; I wasn't good enough for the Lord to keep me in to the end," [and] "I've failed the sisters enough that the Lord has to replace me" [and] "I'm not ready -- I didn't do a good enough job!" I talked to my mom who told me those feelings were natural but they were untrue and were Satan's way of trying to bring me down. It helped to know that.

And then, when I'd had time to reflect I knew it was right. Heck, I've known for some time now that the sisters needed to go in a new direction, and I wasn't the one to take them there. And I was tired -- so tired! Not of the women ... never, never that. But I was running out of ideas and momentum, and I was starting to "get it right" (more or less) when it came to planning and executing. Hah! And isn't that the point where we always get released? When we start to "get it right"? I'd like to tell you something a little shivery too: Donna called Allison to replace me as Enrichment Counselor. When I met Allison and got to know her a few months ago when they moved in, I knew in my bones that she was supposed to replace me. I could feel it somehow. Even "funnier": Allison commented to me a few weeks before this big change that she still hadn't received a calling and she was getting pretty frustrated, and most of the sisters who had moved in after her had already received a calling! And I jokingly told her that she hadn't received a calling yet because she was supposed to replace me. Whew!

So a few of my thoughts and feelings. I can't even begin to express it properly, but here are a few things I wrote down the night Donna called me:

"I can't believe what I'm feeling! I thought I'd be so happy but I'm not. I feel an amazing conflict of emotions. Yes there is an underlying twinge of relief, but overriding that in a huge way is anguish over not getting to work with Donna and Linda anymore (both of whom I love to pieces) and not having responsibility for the sisters anymore (whom I have also deeply loved) and fear over what I'll have to do next and disappointment over not finishing the race and sadness over leaving something that I finally FINALLY have accepted and feel comfortable with! ...

"Over the top of all these other emotions is a deep, deep, overwhelming gratitude to Heavenly Father for this experience. This has been one of the greatest, most soul-stretching experiences of my entire life! And that sounds dramatic, but it's the truth. I have grown in ways I never thought possible and have become (hopefully) such a better person because of it. I have a deeper than ever compassion for people and have learned what it's like to love a whole group of women all at once. I have grown spiritually and oh my gosh! The things I've learned about trusting Heavenly Father!!!! I'm not very good at it yet, but every once in a while I find myself actually believing He will take care of everything. I've had personal witness that He does, through this calling."

And you know what else I've learned over the past almost-four years? Service is sweeeeet. There is such a joy, a satisfaction, a deepening of character when we serve each other. It really can lift us out of dark depths, depression, selfishness, loneliness ... and it teaches us to love more deeply. I think we begin to experience little glimpses of what it's like to mold our character towards the Savior's character. And if we allow ourselves the full ride we begin wanting to help people because we want to and not because we should or we have to. It changes everything when we want to.

I've watched many of the sisters in our ward form lovely friendships, and I'm hoping to have more of those opportunities in the future. I'm also hoping I never lose the friendships I've already formed. I can't believe how good sisterhood can be, and how much I admire the women in our ward. "These are excellent peoples here." And the final nice part? I get to be a Relief Society teacher now!!!!!! Whhheeeee!! I can remember asking the Lord a few months back, "Can't I just take Beverly's place and hand out programs for a while? Or if not, can I teach Relief Society again? I would love that!" I can't believe He actually said YES! I know I probably won't get to teach in Relief Society for a long period of time, but for now ... YES!!!!!

I have pictures I want to post, but will do that later on. Hugs to you all!