An Unexpected Kindness

The nicest thing happened to me yesterday evening ...

January-May is not my good time of the year. I usually suffer from varying degrees of low-spirit energy and depression. I used to think it was the standard winter blues, but now I'm pretty sure it's more my seasonal circadian rhythm. And for some reason, March and April are my very worst months.

This year I had a plan of attack: read the scriptures every day, go to the temple at least twice a month, and exercise regularly. And it was working, too! But then I fell off the wagon in March, and so for the past week I've been feeling pretty low. Not as bad as last year, but not such a happy bug either. And even in the midst of friends and family, I've been feeling a little lonely and disconnected.

Yesterday evening I was walking Cowboy around the walking track at the hospital, and we were just coming down the home stretch when a big dark vehicle pulled up and out popped two of our girls from Young Women's (Hailey and Rachel). I was delighted to see them - they're sweethearts! And even more delighted when they ran over to ME (which I didn't expect). They said they had divided into groups and were doing service projects for Young Women's that night. And their little group had a service for ME! They gave me a card, thanking me for the things I did for the sisters in Relief Society and they said their group put balloons in my chainlink fence at home. They even let me hug them! I was deeply touched. Little did those girls know how much I needed that little something-something.

I don't know which guardian angel whispered in the Young Women ears to pick me for a service, but I'm grateful that they did and even more grateful that the girls listened and acted on it. Their small-but-not-so-small act of service lifted that little black cloud right off my shoulders and I felt happy, cared about and renewed. I was going to just do a little clipping together of some pictures to add to this post, but I've been learning Photoshop Elements and I just couldn't help myself ... I ended up doing a full scrapbook page last night. HAH!

I was also going to make a list, add some pictures, add some links of things that bring me joy (to fight against the dark side) but maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I want this little experience to stand on its own. Thank you, girls!

A Briz-man Update - not such happy news

I was going to talk about last week's really enjoyable Relief Society enrichment evening (and I still will) but tonight before I go home I wanted to post an update about our little woof (and mine & Ruth's state of mind(s)).

It's with much sadness (but not with the same overwhelming pain we experienced two weeks ago) I write that once again things have taken a turn and it's now sure that our little Brizzy has cancer. "Sigh." The only reason I'm able to write this without the same deep, raw pain I (and Ruth) experienced a couple of Sundays ago is because the Lord has been so good to us and has allowed us both to come to terms with the possibility that this could be cancer after all. He could have taken Brizzy right after Halloween when it got really bad. And in the ensuing four days it looked as if Brizzy really was ready to go. But nope, that little dog rallied and in the past two weeks he led us to believe he would get well after all. His pain diminished and he perked up and it was so evident he wanted to still be living. So the Lord has allowed this to play out in its own ebb and flow, and because of that we've been given time to accept and even prepare.

What a painful but educational roller coaster we've been on. NOT the kind of education I wanted to have, but it's one I get to have anyway. As much as I want it to be different, I am still grateful for what I have learned and (yes) am experiencing. Isn't that crazy? But true. We went from "What's that limping about?" to "Oh no, he can't walk very well!" to "The front leg is so swollen" to "OH NO, Briz can't walk at all" to "It's probably cancer" to "But he's rallying, and look he's walking again - how could that be cancer?" to "No cancer in the biopsy!" to "Look at the x-rays, I'm 80% sure it's cancer" to "Look how well he's doing" to "If it was cancer it would have manifested itself by now, so I may be wrong and I'm cautiously saying it's 80% NOT cancer" to "Oh no, now the back leg is swelling" to "Now his little face and neck are all swollen!" to "I'm so sorry to tell you this ..." "Sigh."

We both knew. I think as soon as Brizzy's face began to swell and his nose to run, I knew. And as soon as the large lump appeared under Brizzy's chin, in his ruff - Ruth knew. I hope you don't think that our vet has been insensitive or incompetent because he couldn't get an accurate diagnosis right off the bat -- our Little Man is such a fighter he pushed back the symptoms and refused to succomb. Today Dr. Edmonds said Brizzy "had the heart of a lion" and I agree. All through this experience he has fought to get better and has been so patient with Ruth and I as we've administered all kinds of holistic stuff and made him get up and "go poddy" when he didn't want to and petted and fussed and mothered (and probably smothered) him. So patient.

So now ... we wait. He is in minimal (if any) pain right now and we have some STRONG diuretic pills to get all that water out of him, and as long as Brizzy wants to be here and is not hurting, we will do whatever we have to do to make his life comfortable and we will take it one day at a time. Dr. Edmonds said that he will try to get Brizzy through Christmas, but we will see. And we will not let him suffer just to have him a few weeks longer. But you can bet that each day he's here will be relished.

And through this whole traumatic experience, both Ruth and I have experienced so much love and kindness from our wonderful families, our wonderful friends, our wonderful Ward friends. People have been so good to us: no one has mocked our pain, and we have been given phone calls and hugs and pats and blessings and kind acts of service. I don't think I will ever forget the kindness and care we are being blanketed in. I wish I could do for others half of what others are doing for me. I feel very humbled.

Case in point, just from today: Several of the Young Men came over today and for a service project they dug up all those yukky, long stringy weeds that were all over our front yard. We haven't had the time or the tools to get those darn weeds out of that cold ground and they really created a problem for "picking up poops," etc. It may have felt like a simple act of service to those young men, but they really REALLY helped us and I feel much gratitude towards them. And then my friend, Margaret forwarded a YouTube video of the "the Sky Angel Cowboy." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0r_FbARIn8&NR=1. The religious reporters get a little over the top but that wasn't the point of the video - it was the message that God understands our pain because he experienced the death of His own son.

Onward we go - and in the end (if we're lucky) we remember that God is Good, loving someone is worth the pain of losing them, and we never really lose them anyway because we KNOW what awaits us in the Spirit World.

How do I find the right words? So you get many words ...

[this is a picture-less entry ... but I will be adding them later on ...]

Well I haven't written anything for almost a month ... that can be typical for me ... and yep, that's pretty much how I keep my journal too. I'll do great at journal writing for a short span of time and then I just sort of slow the spinning ... slowwwww ... sloooww ... sssssslllloooowww .... sss stop. You know, I'm ashamed to admit it, but that's the way it is with most of the stuff I attempt in my life. I get going with something new and am very enthusiastic for a while and then I just stop. Oh dear ... that looks like a character flaw looming. (!)

I determined not to leave work tonight until I wrote something down. And then I got to reading my friend, Jamie's blog and was having such a good time and laughed so hard over her sons' super hero Sacrament Meeting, I pretty much ran well into the 6:00 hour. I read many of the blogs from the women in my ward and my out-of-ward friends, and I so enjoy them (Dear Debbie--you got me hooked! I now understand ...). It's getting a bit late and I should get home. But ... I won't. I MUST resist the "quit my new hobby [blogging]" urge! (And Hey - I have GOT to ask Jamie if she minds my linking her blog site here. If she says yes then you MUST go in and read her entry for Sunday, October 26th -- it's HILARIOUS and boy are her sons (Jacob & Mason) creative!!)

Actually there's another reason I haven't written yet. I'm very left-brained and have a hard time doing things out of order. There are lots of things I've wanted to write about but my little anal-retentive mind keeps whispering, "Gotta do it in order - can't get out of order - Gotta write about this first." Sheesh. And I've had a hard time figuring out how to write about this, which happens to be the Big Change that happened in my life (and my dear friend, Linda's life) now almost 3 weeks ago. Well ... in keeping with the driving whisper -- here I go:

Three weeks ago, over General Conference weekend, I was released as Enrichment Counselor in our ward. And Linda was released as Education Counselor. Gratefully, I knew a week ahead of time because Donna (bless her!) felt it would be awful for us to just get a call from the Bishop without some warning up front. She wanted it to come from her -- to talk with us about it first so we would understand. I love her for that. I wouldn't have been able to concentrate one bit on that special, fabulous Conference if I'd been blind-sided by the release. As it was, I had barely recovered from the shock and ensuing rush of feelings when Donna called the week before.

It was indeed a shock, because I had resolved the personal issues that plagued me earlier in the year and had re-dedicated myself to helping the sisters, had begun to see a new vision for where we should head, and felt so SO sure that we were supposed to be in there together -- the 3 Musketeers (Donna, Linda and I) -- to the end. Once the shock receded (slightly) a feeling of sadness and a great, great sense of loss set in. I thought about the women of this ward whom I've grown to love deeply, and my friendship with Linda and Donna (and Donna's secretaries: Barbara and Jennifer) and my four wonderful Enrichment Leaders (Alice Ann, Jamie, Jenie and Corinne), the happiness I've had working with them all, and the joy I've felt in all the many things we've done over the years and I just ... sat there and cried (really sobbed for a while, I must admit), for the loss ... for the change. And funny ... along with those feelings came darker thoughts for a while (get thee hence, you little devils!) ... thoughts like: "I failed; I wasn't good enough for the Lord to keep me in to the end," [and] "I've failed the sisters enough that the Lord has to replace me" [and] "I'm not ready -- I didn't do a good enough job!" I talked to my mom who told me those feelings were natural but they were untrue and were Satan's way of trying to bring me down. It helped to know that.

And then, when I'd had time to reflect I knew it was right. Heck, I've known for some time now that the sisters needed to go in a new direction, and I wasn't the one to take them there. And I was tired -- so tired! Not of the women ... never, never that. But I was running out of ideas and momentum, and I was starting to "get it right" (more or less) when it came to planning and executing. Hah! And isn't that the point where we always get released? When we start to "get it right"? I'd like to tell you something a little shivery too: Donna called Allison to replace me as Enrichment Counselor. When I met Allison and got to know her a few months ago when they moved in, I knew in my bones that she was supposed to replace me. I could feel it somehow. Even "funnier": Allison commented to me a few weeks before this big change that she still hadn't received a calling and she was getting pretty frustrated, and most of the sisters who had moved in after her had already received a calling! And I jokingly told her that she hadn't received a calling yet because she was supposed to replace me. Whew!

So a few of my thoughts and feelings. I can't even begin to express it properly, but here are a few things I wrote down the night Donna called me:

"I can't believe what I'm feeling! I thought I'd be so happy but I'm not. I feel an amazing conflict of emotions. Yes there is an underlying twinge of relief, but overriding that in a huge way is anguish over not getting to work with Donna and Linda anymore (both of whom I love to pieces) and not having responsibility for the sisters anymore (whom I have also deeply loved) and fear over what I'll have to do next and disappointment over not finishing the race and sadness over leaving something that I finally FINALLY have accepted and feel comfortable with! ...

"Over the top of all these other emotions is a deep, deep, overwhelming gratitude to Heavenly Father for this experience. This has been one of the greatest, most soul-stretching experiences of my entire life! And that sounds dramatic, but it's the truth. I have grown in ways I never thought possible and have become (hopefully) such a better person because of it. I have a deeper than ever compassion for people and have learned what it's like to love a whole group of women all at once. I have grown spiritually and oh my gosh! The things I've learned about trusting Heavenly Father!!!! I'm not very good at it yet, but every once in a while I find myself actually believing He will take care of everything. I've had personal witness that He does, through this calling."

And you know what else I've learned over the past almost-four years? Service is sweeeeet. There is such a joy, a satisfaction, a deepening of character when we serve each other. It really can lift us out of dark depths, depression, selfishness, loneliness ... and it teaches us to love more deeply. I think we begin to experience little glimpses of what it's like to mold our character towards the Savior's character. And if we allow ourselves the full ride we begin wanting to help people because we want to and not because we should or we have to. It changes everything when we want to.

I've watched many of the sisters in our ward form lovely friendships, and I'm hoping to have more of those opportunities in the future. I'm also hoping I never lose the friendships I've already formed. I can't believe how good sisterhood can be, and how much I admire the women in our ward. "These are excellent peoples here." And the final nice part? I get to be a Relief Society teacher now!!!!!! Whhheeeee!! I can remember asking the Lord a few months back, "Can't I just take Beverly's place and hand out programs for a while? Or if not, can I teach Relief Society again? I would love that!" I can't believe He actually said YES! I know I probably won't get to teach in Relief Society for a long period of time, but for now ... YES!!!!!

I have pictures I want to post, but will do that later on. Hugs to you all!